Oh well.

I'm trying to make a legal argument work in my head, so I went for a run at lunch. Spent the whole run thinking about that book I read. And about tacos.

I think I got stood up today.

She sounded really regretful on the phone.  The baby had fallen asleep in the car, and if she woke him now, he wouldn't go down again.  Husband was late getting home with the car, so she was late leaving.  "No, I totally get it."  (I don't get it because I don't have toddlers whose sleep schedules would prevent me from going out for coffee.)  (Coffee with a friend I haven't seen in 8 months.)  (A friend who biked all the way to Niwot for coffee and for me.)

Sixteen months ago, the gentle boss came into my office and closed the door behind him.  I always panic when they do that.  But this time, he said, "we're going to fire her tomorrow."  He probably said "let her go." That sounds more like him.  I don't remember what I said, but I remember having a lot of thoughts all at the same time.  But who's going to do all the calendaring?  and  But then I have this whole office to myself and nobody to keep me on task.  and  But I held the baby on my lap and played Poke The Nose while she finished the last of the pre-arbitration filings, even though I don't like babies, and we hi-fived on the way out because it turns out while one of us did the legal work, the other could entertain the toddler, and we'd still get 'er done.  and, of course, So what am I supposed to tell her?  
So I guess I do remember what I said.  I said "when tomorrow?"  And he said, "at 11:00 when ___ gets in." And I said I might not come in until the afternoon in that case.  (I'm not proud of that, but I think that's what I said.)
The next morning, she texted me to say she was so sorry I was feeling sick.  Ouch.

I saw her and the baby last summer.  I brought her chocolate because even before she was pregnant, she had a massive sweet tooth and I had used to bring her caramel truffles from the bookstore when I went there for my lunch break.  She was really late, and it was a little awkward, but she came.  The baby poked my nose.

I had tipped the barista a good amount when I bought my coffee and said something about getting food "when my friend gets here."  So there's that for awkwardness.  Maybe they overheard my Dear John cell phone call and my saying "Dude, if the baby needs to sleep, that's cool.  I promise not to think of this as a reflection on the level of our friendship."  Probably not, though.  I try not to talk on the phone in coffee shops, and if I have to, I keep it quiet.  I didn't want to disturb the typers on laptops or that guy reading "Demons."

I texted Micah.  "Would it be cheating to approach an attractive stranger because he's sitting in a coffee shop reading the one major Dostoyevsky I haven't read?"  It was flippant.  It made me feel better, mostly.  My phone didn't announce a return text until I was 3/4 of the way back to Boulder.  "Go home you harlot, you're married."

Three minutes later, "Wait, no, get his number for me.  You can tell me what happened in Brothers Karamazof, right?"

Thinking about Thinking

I feel like I recently underwent a 12 hour stint that was quietly emblematic of my life these days.

I put on heels and stuffed my pockets with business cards and went to a networking event and talked to other people in heels carrying business cards about reciprocity and judge appointments, and I did my best not to steer the conversation towards books and bicycles. Went to the bar and ducked into a bathroom to stuff my lawyer clothes into my backpack and to pull on my punk rock clothes. Found my friends and talked about bicycles and booze and tried not to steer the conversation towards business cards or what work meant about me these days. Went to a show and smashed into a bunch of strangers while dancing around like I was still 17, and I didn't think about work OR bicycles at all for several hours. Went home and drank a glass of milk because there is still a lot of Lent left to go and I was thinking about books again. Who knows which topic my brain was focusing on next, but in the insufficient amount of sleep that followed, I dreamed that I was unintentionally rude to the Pope and my friends were angry with me. When the alarm went off, I stumbled out in mismatched socks and went for a run with my moral sounding-board and we talked about the intersection of femininity and professionalism in modern-day romance. While the dog and I walked back, I encountered a new friend on the sidewalk. I was thinking about business cards and love and booze and music and I thought I might have looked like I'd been crying or something, so I just talked awkwardly to her dog. Got home and ate some things and stared at nothing. Shook it off, put heels in my backpack and dry shampoo in my hair and got back on my bicycle to go to work.

- I'm not usually very good at catching up with what I'm thinking about.

- Christ, I'm awkward before coffee.

- Whoever invented dry shampoo changed my life.